Tuesday, June 14, 2016

I stayed...

Will cheated on me with one of my sorority sisters before our first wedding anniversary... I stayed.
He cheated on me again with a co-worker or two about 2 years in... I stayed.
He had a long-term affair with a co-worker that spanned the length of both of my pregnancies... I stayed.
He had an affair with my sister-in-law... I stayed.
He had an affair with a co-worker that, during this time, broke off her relationship with her boyfriend who then strangled her.  I was subpoenaed to court to be Will's alibi... I stayed.
He became a needy, controlling, mean drunk... I stayed.

What does this say about me?!  Maybe I have no self-worth.  Or maybe I value a complete family.  Or maybe I am just a strong person.  Or maybe I am a stuffer who never confronts anything because I loathe confrontation.  Or maybe I fear that every relationship would be this way.
In the early years of our marriage, work schedules didn't allow us to spend a lot of time together.  Up until after the kiddos were born, we hardly saw each other.  (But, don't get me wrong, he was still taken care of!!)  However, I became accustomed to being by myself.  So when his work schedule changed and he was present constantly, it took a toll on our relationship.  I went from total independence in my life to having every aspect of it controlled (all the way to what underwear I could wear and when I could text a friend on the phone!!).  
After a friend brought it to my attention, I realized that not only was I married to a narcissist but that I was also in an emotionally abusive relationship.  But, just like with everything else in my life... I stayed.  I was surviving life.  I wasn't really sad but I wasn't exactly happy either.  I was just there.

And then I met TJ...

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