-Elizabeth N. Doyd
After an entire year of pain, I have started a daily journal exercise to "Write him off and write yourself into a life of love and joy."
"Don't contact him. He hurt you. Don't give him the chance to hurt you again."
What do I blame him for? What do I want to say to him? Am I angry with him? Do I miss him?
~ I blame him for...
Leading me on!! There was no reason for him to pretend. He could have just been my friend. I blame him for braking my heart. He never had to be so cold after the fact. I blame him for playing me. Saying all the right things and doing all the right things just to give himself an ego boost.
~ I really want to say...
All of the above. I want to tell him that I'm mad and I wish I would have never met him. I want to tell him that I love him and I think about him constantly. I want to tell him that I foolishly trusted him - with me - when I don't trust anyone. I want to tell him that he made me feel happy and alive and at the some time, he made me feel like a piece of meat and completely broke me.
~ I am angry with him...
Because wither I never really knew him or he became someone totally different from what he was with me. I don't understand why he can't find himself... his true self!! I'm angry that he becomes whatever someone want him to be instead of his own person.
~ I miss...
The him that I thought he was... I miss more than words can express!!
"A high value woman doesn't beg a man to love her."
~ I can:
Stop checking FB
Stop checking phone records
Stop checking OUR email
Stop with the memory details
Stop trying to keep up with him
Stop remembering him better than he was
Stop cringing when someone at work mentions his name
"Harden yourself against the fantasies."
List all his flaws, big and small.
~ messy eater
~ bad dresser
~ bad teeth
~ can't squat
~ likes attention / overly friendly
~ NOT simple
~ maybe a little childish
~ questionable past
~ HE IS NOT IN LOVE WITH ME!!
"...his decision is something you must respect."
"...(find) someone else, someone who WANTS to be with you."
Go ahead and write down all the frustrations you have about the situation... release all of your hopes and dreams you had about you and him as a couple...
I'm frustrated bc:
~ He played me
~ Bc he pretended that he truly cared
~ He lied to me when it wasn't necessary
~ He kept me hanging on
~ He dropped me like I was nothing
~ He considers me a "mistake"
~ He felt I caused him to get his perfect, little "life off track"
~ He treated me like crap after the fact
~ He would do anything to not have to talk to or see me
~ He pretended she was a terrible person
~ He said he "couldn't be himself"
~ He is not the person I thought he was
~ He's high maintenance when he said he was simple
~ He's a FAKE
"Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired." Robert Frost
Write down all the fears you are experiencing with being single.
~ Never finding someone real
~ All men cheat
~ All men are players
~ The fact that TJ never actually cared about me
~ It was just a game to him
~ He got a part of me that only 1 other person had ever had
"Relish in your freedom in having the 'place' all to yourself."
Turn your...space into a joyful place.
~ Clear out anything that reminds you of him,.
~ Relax knowing that you don't have to be perfect every day.
~ Replace old TJ memories with new ME memories!!
"Was it hard?" I ask, "letting go?"
"Not as hard as holding on to something that wasn't real."
Write down what you miss about this relationship. What made you fall in love with him in the first place?
~ I miss..
His friendship, his smile, his laugh, his jokes, his sense of humor, his infatuation with me, his touch, his kiss, the way he made me feel, kissing him, hugging him, feeling safe with him, feeling like I was with someone who felt they didn't deserve me...
~ I fell in love with him because...
He made me feel young again... he made me laugh when there was absolutely nothing to laugh about... and I just want to laugh!!
"...no matter how many men have hurt you, there are always good men in the world."
List all the men who have let you down. Who are they? Were they important to your happiness, your self-esteem? Why do their opinions matter so much to you?
Men that have let me down are:
~ My dad
Were they important to my happiness, self esteem and why?
~ He was the first man in my life and my parent so his opinions mattered to my happiness and self-esteem. He was distant. He was cold. He left.
~ He put me thru hell and back and still continued to treat me like crap. It doesn't anymore... I miss happy times with him and the comfort of him but he no longer contributes to my happiness and self-esteem.
~ I don't think anyone has ever made me laugh as much as TJ. He was my happy!!! He made me feel desirable. He made me feel!!
~ He was my first broken heart. I truly loved him and he left me like I never meant anything. He set the standard for all my future boyfriends. Maybe that's why I allowed most of them to treat me like crap and why I love too easily and too strongly.
"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option."
~ ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY NOT!! Just like any other guy, there were qualities about him that I didn't like as well. I would definitely take someone that never stops choosing me over someone that plays me and considers me an option.
"...train your brain to stop feeding you the same old slew of depressing, self-esteem crushing ideas."
Write down reoccurring thoughts you have about him. Beside each thought, write a positive alternative. Plan in advance what you can do when the negative thoughts descend.
~ I think about the way he held me ... He only wanted me for that!!
~ I think about the way he made me laugh ... He makes everybody laugh.
~ I think about how I wasn't good enough ... He's not good enough!!
~ I think about the extent to which I let things go with him ... I am still valuable!!
~ I think about how I thought he was in love with me .... He's just a player!! Maybe that's why he's divorced!
~ listen to music
~ do something with my kids
~ clean the apartment
~ work harder
"You might find yourself in a situation where you are with a man with some of the same negative traits as your father. Some women attract the opposite of their father."
What are the similarities and differences between your father and your ex?
~ There are absolutely no similarities between TJ and my father...None! Maybe that's why I fell so hard... he was unlike anyone I've ever been that close to.
"It's better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not."
What did you do in order to please your ex when you were in a relationship? Make a list of all the things you wanted to do but never got around to.
~ time off
~ doctor's appointments
~ better at my job
~ dressing down/comfy
What were the advantages of loving someone who didn't love you?
~ I thought he did love me...
What are my beliefs about love? Do you believe in the great love stories in movies and literature? Or do you think love is just a fantasy and real life is full of pain and heartbreak? Do you believe that no man can ever love you? Do you think that all men are cheaters? Do you think you need to look a certain way to attract someone? How did you relationship fit in with these beliefs?
~ I do believe that you can truly love a person. But, I don't believe that love always has a HEA like in movies and literature. And I also believe that love is full of pain and heartbreak, whether or not you with the person you love. I don't believe that any man can love me enough to complete me. I thought I had found my soulmate but that too was only smoke and mirrors. The only one that can truly complete me is the One that made me! I believe that all men (and women) are cheaters to an extent. Whether it be emotional or physical, it happens to everyone ("Never say never!"). I have always been... what's the word... concerned with my appearance. I do believe that appearance is a key factor in a relationship[p. However, the older I get, the more I realize that the guys that like you for your appearance are usually only there for it! Lesson learned but it still concerns me. My relationship with TJ, and with Will, have brought me to these conclusions about love.
Can you forgive him for ending your relationship? Why or why not?
~ Yes AND No!! I can understand the predicament he was in and what all he had to lose bc of me. What I can't understand is why he did it in the first place. He had to have known what the consequences could have been!! I can't forgive him for playing me and for not letting me end it while we still could have salvaged our friendship... if we ever could have been just friends.
"You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams."
What is your idea of a perfect relationship? Take a realistic look at your relationship with your ex. Does he belong in your vision of an ideal relationship? Don't try to mold him into the guy you think he should be, but as he is.
I am attracted to him physically and emotionally... he respects me...I can trust him... he is considerate of my need for space and friends outside of the relationship... he supports me in my career... he makes me laugh, I make him laugh, we laugh, A LOT... he lets me be me and never condemns my personality or choices... he loves my kids and treats them with respect... he loves me and never makes me a second choice.
While I am certain he posses a lot of the qualities I listed above, I'm not sure that TJ respects me and I'm not really sure that I could ever trust him. Not only is he unfaithful but he has lots and lots of baggage. I was/am his second choice.
Will doesn't respect me, I can't trust him, he doesn't consider my needs outside of the marriage, he doesn't support my career, I rarely laugh, he condemns me constantly, he doesn't respect my kids, I have been a second choice many times... yet I still love him bc he is all I have ever really known and he is a constant in my life.
Who are you blaming? Yourself? Him? Or both? And why?
I blame him and myself. I blame him for leading me on and pretending to be in as deep as he was. I blame myself for letting any of it happen to begin with... I knew better... I knew my heart would get broken.
What first attracted you to the guys you've dated in the past? Recall their physical features, their jokes, their interests and personalities. Did you fall for them right away, or did attraction grow over time?
Beautiful eyes, very attractive features, passionate, good sense of humor, etc. I always fall head first and FAST!!
Now recall when you first experienced a problem in the relationship. How did you react? Did you break up with him, or did he?
I always stayed!!
Now make a columned list:
Beautiful eyes Left me for someone else
Mysterious He was my first love
Beautiful eyes Cheated on me/left me
Loves/"wants" me Alcoholic
Most beautiful eyes Played me
So funny Didn't chose me/left me
Successful Multiple personalities
Just "wants" me Old soul yet needs a mama
Compare the traits. Do you notice any similarities and differences?
Yes. They all have beautiful eyes and they all LEFT ME!
Did your ex make you feel bad about yourself in any way? If so, do you think his critisisms were valid?
TJ only made me feel bad about myself afterwards... when I became a mistake... when he thought I was the reason his life was off track... when he no longer wanted me nor my friendship...
"We accept the love we think we deserve."
Write down everything that you like about yourself. What makes you special?
Hmmmm...this is tough!
"Studies have shown that friends contribute to your health and happiness more than spouses."
Who are all the people in your life that love you?
Do you have positive, caring, non-judgmental friend?
Write down all the negative beliefs you have about yourself...then turn that negativity around.
~ I'm not compassionate towards others...people have hurt me too many times for me to allow myself feel. I am compassionate, I just don't show it.
~ I'm not the girl you take home to mama, I'm just the trophy, the conquest...whether guys think I am valuable or not does not define me. I have a soul beneath my exterior and I know that when I love, I love unconditionally and uncontrollably.
Best songs to get you through your breakup:
1. Problem - Ariana Grande
2. Fight Song - Rachel Platten
3. Humble and Kind - Tim McGraw
4. Break Up in a Small Town - Sam Hunt
5. Panda - Desiigner
6. No - Meghan Trainer
7. Shake it Off - Taylor Swift
8. Sweet Victory - Trip Lee
9. Thy Will - Hillary Scott
And to be sad...
10. She Don't Love You - Eric Paisley
Balance your social calendar to have time to yourself as well as spending time with those you enjoy.
~ That's a problem! All I have is me!!