Tuesday, June 14, 2016

I Wanted... Euphoria

Just a random Friday and a simple hug, inside a rain jacket, in a dark building... that's how my physical affair with TJ began... and it was all me!!  

I wanted the hug... after all it was just a hug!  As soon as I pulled away from him, he grabbed my face with both hands and kissed me on the lips.  It was short and awkward but it still happened.  I remember him saying, "My heart is beating so fast I feel like I am in high school!!"  That made me feel amazing!!  Just knowing that I affected him in that way made me euphoric.  Well, that and the fact that I haven't kissed another man in probably 20 years.  At the same time, I felt disappointed.  Not because of what I had done but because I wanted to do better than a simple kiss.  I wanted more!!  I wanted his approval... his attention... his desire.  In my text conversation with him over that weekend, I let him know that I thought we could be better than that.  He was more than willing to try.
When the next workday rolled around, I proved my point with an intense, passionate kiss!!  The kind of kiss you see in a movie... the kind of kiss you read about in novels... the kind of kiss you dream about at night!!  It was amazing and I wanted more of it!!  From his reaction, I knew he felt the same way.  We had gone from co-workers, to friends, to confidants, and now we were on the edge of the cliff of being lovers.  This was all so new to me, and unlike me, that I questioned what I was doing.  But, the euphoria took over as soon as the questions arose.  After a week or so, my guilt for his wife and his children began to get the best of me and I tried to end the affair.  When I suggested this, he became so mad at me that there's no way even our friendship would survive.  I wanted to remain friends, I didn't want to lose him completely, so... just like with everything else in my life... I stayed.

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