With you...

This was me...

...with you!!

Can we...

Can we start over and NOT be what we were... or what we weren't?!

I still miss him...

Sometimes... the smallest things will remind me of him.  It's not like he ever truly leaves my mind but, he's not as close to the front of it anymore.  When I see something or when a person says a certain thing a memory of us will pop in my head.  It's almost as if the air is knocked out of my lungs.  I still miss him so much!! Even now, when I am certain that he has moved on because he thinks that I have 'replaced' him with one of his friends, I still miss him.  I wish he knew that he was it for me.  I wish he knew that no one could ever take his place.  I wish he knew me like I thought he did!!

truth for today

Angry!!

Sometimes I get so angry...

Angry that he totally played me!
Angry that I fell for it!

Angry that he never really cared for me!

Angry that he acted like he did!

Come to Terms...

After everything fell apart, we continued to communicate about the situation thru our secret email (cto.thet).

"Stupid, Silly Girl" thinking...

"What were you thinking??" she screamed into the phone. "You are a stupid, silly girl!"

Without even seeing it coming, my heart was slowly breaking into a gazillion pieces because of my affair.  I never thought I would lose him... and I surely never thought losing him would hurt this much!!  What was I thinking?!  Let me tell you...

~ randomness ~

Random thoughts and excerpts from books to help my soul...

Dead giveaway...

Our connection continued on for a couple more months.  Will knew that I wanted a divorce.  I had finally developed balls big enough to escape his narcissism and emotional abuse... or at least he knew I wanted to.  Two weeks before my scheduled move date, while his wife was out of town, TJ worked a Monday that he was originally scheduled to be off.  He surprised me by working this day and it was one of the best days we had had yet.  I knew that if he would go to these lengths, he had to love me!!

Write Him Off!!

Write Him Off: Journal Prompts to Heal Your Broken Heart in 30 Days
-Elizabeth N. Doyd

After an entire year of pain, I have started a daily journal exercise to "Write him off and write yourself into a life of love and joy."

Don't...

I married my high-school sweet heart!!  That sounds all cute and sweet, doesn't it?!  Don't fall for it.  It's not.

Fire...

My infatuation with TJ did not go unreciprocated!!  Our long hugs and euphoric kisses became private make-out sessions full of passion and fire.  Sometimes it would just be a look or a slight touch while in public, but it was still intense.

my drug...

With TJ, things progressed from the euphoric kiss.  We continued to text and spend time together.  He would even call me on occasion during the days he wasn't at work or find an excuse to show up at work just so we could see each other.

I stayed...

Will cheated on me with one of my sorority sisters before our first wedding anniversary... I stayed.
He cheated on me again with a co-worker or two about 2 years in... I stayed.

He had a long-term affair with a co-worker that spanned the length of both of my pregnancies... I stayed.

He had an affair with my sister-in-law... I stayed.

He had an affair with a co-worker that, during this time, broke off her relationship with her boyfriend who then strangled her.  I was subpoenaed to court to be Will's alibi... I stayed.

He became a needy, controlling, mean drunk... I stayed.

I Wanted... Euphoria

Just a random Friday and a simple hug, inside a rain jacket, in a dark building... that's how my physical affair with TJ began... and it was all me!!  

How Could I Not...

It all began when I started a new job where TJ is employed. Although in different departments, he would tend to have to visit my department for one reason or another.  Ironically I noticed that his visits became more frequent.  

Never Say Never...

I did it... I was her... I was the "Other Woman"!!  I always said I would never be "her" and suddenly, without even realizing it was happening, it happened.